A series of events led to me sitting in my car at the end of my lunch break, reaching into the door pocket to pull out a card I was instructed to not read until that moment. I had absolutely no idea what to expect from it, but when I was done – and after a conversation with a close friend, everything became clear.
Suddenly, because of this card, everything that has happened in my life up until this very moment now makes complete sense.
As I got back into my office and turned on my Ed Sheeran album on Spotify, I started to cry. I started to cry because the sense of enlightenment that I felt as a result of reading the card, came in tandem with a deep feeling of loneliness that I think I have always felt deep down inside, just tried to never acknowledge. But now, I understand it.
After all these years trying to figure out why I lose interest in people so quickly, why I spend so much time hesitating on things any sensible person would normally jump on without a second thought, why I can’t ever seem to convince myself to stick around, why I always end up hurt and alone even when I’ve been so good to people, why people seem to just come and go despite how much I give, why my burden is always so heavy, and why it seems I am the only one carrying it. I finally understand.
My life was never meant for me.
I’ve been trying hard all year to let go of the picture I had in my head of how my life should be, to understand why the world sent people for me to build up, meanwhile they tear me down. I have been trying to figure out why it seems I have never been good enough for anyone; how I can manage to heal people, yet somehow steer them right into the arms of someone else. Why I always end up alone, and oftentimes misunderstood. Why my last relationship came to the terms that it did in the end after so many years of dedication. But the card somehow helped me to realise that despite the hurt, all the pain hidden behind my eyes … it’s because of him why I am able to help so many others. It’s such a bittersweet trade off. But I now see it clearly that it’s something he would have never understood. He would have never understood this part of me. He was never meant to.
I’d have been in the relationship alone. I was. For years.
I sat down almost two months ago and poured my heart out the best way I know how, shedding tears along the way, because I felt I had to put it on paper. I had even convinced myself I needed to print it, fold it up, put it in an envelope and deliver it. And for a while, I was so sure that it was the right move. I was so sure that it was what the universe was telling me to do. Then one night, in the middle of an intense exchange with the most important person in my life, that came about in the most bizarre way, I realised … I didn’t want to send it anymore. The closure I had been seeking came from a totally different source and rendered my letter obsolete, superfluous almost.
After that, the universe continued sending me distractions. The roadblocks seemed never-ending until I finally decided I wasn’t going to send it. I intercepted the delivery, and each day since then I’ve had a reminder of why it was a good idea to do so. Every day. The universe wouldn’t even allow me to send the letter. It doesn’t want us together. And it took reading that card in my car today – from someone else entirely, for me to finally realise why.
I unknowingly gave up the only love I’ve ever known inside and out to help and heal people I haven’t yet met, before I even knew I was doing it. I’ve given up what I thought would be with me forever, to be elsewhere as a beacon of light for other people who will only ever be around temporarily.
My purpose in life was never to settle into a quiet, low-key life with my first love in the hills where no one can find me. And I fought the universe year after year after year going after this. My life has always been meant for others. From the very moment I started this blog I have been yours. I am here for you. Every single one of you. I was never meant to be possessed by any one person. And as painful as it may sometimes be, to give up all of yourself and sometimes, most times, get nothing in return, I have no choice but to gracefully accept my purpose, and to fulfill it to the best of my ability.
Maybe one day my Earthly guide will come too. And if I am so lucky, I will accept it with open arms. But if not, if I should die alone knowing only that every life I ever touched was improved, then my death will be pleasant. Because my life would have been purposeful and complete. And that’s all we ever need to be at peace.
A selfless life isn’t always the best life but it has the most heart-warming rewards, even if it hurts sometimes.
Especially, if it hurts sometimes.