I know you’ve grown accustomed to my long periods of absence from my beloved blog. But this time around, I’ve got a confession to make: I started a diary.
Before you let all the water out of your blowhole, please accept my sincerest apologies. And let me make it abundantly clear that I have no intentions of completely abandoning you guys. There’s no way I could neglect you after all that you’ve done for me. But after losing almost everything that was dear to me–all of my forevers and largely, myself–there was no other option for me but to let it all out. (And you and I both know I wasn’t going to do so publicly.)
My first diary entry came on the tail-end of January, and I’ve been pretty consistently updating it since then. Fortunately for my sanity, my muse has been 100 percent positive, as have almost all of my entries. How, you ask? It’s a funny story, actually. And one that I absolutely don’t mind sharing, in the reticent way that I do of course.
After I found out that most of who I am, or thought I was, as a result of the childhood I thought I experienced was a lie, I took a turn for the best. I could have absolutely decided to hate everyone, everything, and life in general, but I opted instead to just give up entirely and release everything into the universe. I had already spent so many years being angry, resentful, and distant because of external experiences and empathy, and I suppose after this final revelation I finally came to a point where I literally just said “fuck it”. I realised that I can truly be whoever I want, with the things that happened before I was aware of myself having absolutely no bearing on that person at all. I decided that I was going to stop listening to that outside noise, stop letting external factors create my reality and pave my path for me, and just create my own. Some might call this denial, or quite possibly even delusion, but I call it conquering.
Finding out that my whole life has been a lie is literally the best and most freeing and incredible thing to ever happen to me.
I came out from under the boulder a new person. I exited the karmic phase that I told you guys about in a previous post and now I am a whole new being. And as a result of that new vibrational pull and positive energy, I attracted a beautiful loving soul. A few months into it and I still marvel at the fact that I was able to overcome and that MY energy was able to bring this type of peace into my life. Often, I find myself reminding me that “we vibrated right and found each other, not the other way around”.
This is important.
And while I am enjoying this space we share, the best part of it all is that I would be OK if one day I woke up, and he was gone. Though I’d prefer this journey to be as long as possible, I can see how there’s a chance it is just a fleeting experience, like most everything else, and once the lesson plan is completed, our paths will diverge. And that’s OK. I have it all in my heart and spirit and more tangibly, on paper. I’ve recorded every incredible feeling I’ve felt, and no matter what happens they can never leave me. I will be forever humbled and impacted by his energy. And as with every other whirlwind experience that has come and gone, every ravaging storm that I’ve endured and overcome, when it’s all said and done, I’ve learned, it will only ever make me a better person than the one who’s writing this to you today.
And that will always be enough.
Until next time! Meish