There are so many things I’ve wanted to write about.
So many times I’ve sat down and thought it was time to get something on here about this global pandemic. After all, it’s an historic time. Why wouldn’t I want to get something on record about what it’s been like here in Thailand. How I’ve coped. What I’ve been doing. Because there’s been a lot of that.
I could open a school. Become a best-selling author. Or at the very least, a much better teacher and hue-man being.
But I’m not here to talk about any of that. What brought me to this website, to these words.. was you. My loved ones.
I haven’t missed traveling as much as I miss being able to make plans.
Even though the aim is always to live in the moment, I haven’t fully escaped my Virgo tendency to try and organise or prepare my way through life. Still, every day during this pandemic serves as a reminder that nothing could’ve prepared me for this. The airport here has been closed to international travel since March. Not being able to cross a few more countries off my list has been totally irrelevant compared to not being able to go home. Now more than ever, the past few years of being away from my loved ones and no longer being part of their lives is taking its toll on me. All the missed time and moments that I’ll never be part of are suddenly much more important to me than my dislike for America. And being so isolated from all my loved ones during such a tough and unpredictable time, knowing I wouldn’t even be able to be with them if I needed to, has served as a real wake up call for me.
Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend when suddenly I became hyper-aware of our mortality. We were catching up on FaceTime after a few months of not hearing from each other and at some point, the convo led to me talking to her about Daryl and Uncle Ime and all the countless people who suddenly departed from my life. I was just casually talking about it, laughing my way through the pangs in my chest so as to not cry and to be honest, I’m not even sure I understand how we got there. But shortly after that convo, I got another FT call from a family member who looked to me like she was in a hospital bed. The first thing she said when I picked up was “I’m ok”. She was going about her normal morning routine when things took a turn for the worst and she suddenly had to be rushed to the ER for emergency surgery. There again I was faced with this idea of our mortality. I started to think.. what if, she didn’t make it? What if something happens to someone else before I get back. What if the last time I saw you, is the last time.
Would I ever forgive myself, for being this far away?
I’m sure I’ll shake this feeling soon if I decide to lean all the way into it until I get to the other side. Or, through avoidance, if nothing else. In the meantime, please. Take care of yourselves. Wear your masks. Stay inside. Drive carefully. Don’t take unnecessary risks. Be vigilant. And most importantly, love on each other.
If I haven’t told you lately, I love you.