By the time you read this, I will have been sitting in silence for a few days.
I’d like to say I’ve spent the days before preparing for this, but that would be untrue. I spent several days going back and forth about whether I was ready for it and if this was the right time to do another Vipassana, considering all the covid logistics.
Again, if you’re reading this, it means I am in silence. Which means I decided. Or rather, I was called. This is now my fourth time going into silence, though I’ve not written much about it on here.
I know it may seem to some on the outside that I am impulsive. That I make crazy random decisions and am perhaps all over the place, unsettled, and even lost. What reigns true for me, however, is far from that. Despite how it may look tho those who watch, I am very meticulous and I make guided well-thought-out decisions. Each one leading me on my path. And once I decide, I decide. I take action immediately. I don’t operate from a space of hesitation. In fact, I will not do things when there is even a modicum of hesitation.
That is and has always been my MO.
Sometimes, I admit, it is difficult to separate fear from insight. But as I get more in tune with myself, this becomes easier and easier to decipher. In this case, I sat in the discomfort of the gray area until it became clear. That happened on the morning the day before I would have to begin my travel. The previous night I had almost completely decided I would not go. I didn’t feel ready. I didn’t feel it was the right time. I didn’t feel like traveling. I didn’t want to meditate in a mask.
And another side: this is just resistance. It’s fear. It’s weakness. The mind doesn’t want to be seen. Force yourself. You will go and it will be worth it.
Underneath it all, what I listened to was that I didn’t feel the guide. Until this morning.
The day I have actually written this (Monday, for reference). I woke up, clear, and I felt “it”. I knew what I needed to do. I got up, packed my bags, sat with my durian, and booked all my flights and accomodations. Tomorrow, I start my trip to the north. To sit with myself in 10+ hours of meditation every day for the next 10 days.
See you on the other side.