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That Never Happened

I wish there was a way to just get rid of a memory or an event that you’d rather not remember.

I’ve been trying to think up ways to get over a regret or a mistake by learning from it and then immediately clearing it from memory. I feel like I’ve made many mistakes and have done many things I am not proud of. Often times I found myself putting other people’s wants, needs, and interests before mine only to feel used and worthless in the end. If I could go back, there are so many things I would have done differently. But I can’t; and they happened.

Now I spend plenty of time thinking about what I have done. I think of all the things I have said, all the people I have hurt, all the people who have hurt me, and I don’t know where to put it. I’ve been told that I need to learn to let go, and I made it a priority to do just that. I spent most of my day yesterday clearing out my sentimental drawers. I threw away things I was holding and keeping for no reason; got rid of pictures and reminders I shouldn’t have had so long to begin with. Yet still, I don’t feel any lighter. The weight of the past still brings me down.

I think a lot about what would happen if I became rich and famous. Would all the scum from my past resurface? Would people from all over come out & say things to bring me down? I wonder why I even have skeletons to worry about in the first place. As human beings we live to sin and make mistakes. Why am I ashamed of the life I’ve lived? Why did I spend so much time doing things I never truly wanted to do? When did Meisha’s happiness come in to play?

I need to learn to love me before I can love & be loved. I’ve spent years trying to convince people that self-confidence is key, and ironically enough I have none. I don’t feel wholesome in myself & my accomplishments; in my relationships & my achievements. I always feel like I fall short of my goals and intentions and have no one but myself to blame. The sad part is that I’ve never had a problem accepting the role I play in any and everything if I had one, and I’m always the first one to take the blame.

I’m thinking maybe there are plenty of pluses to getting amnesia and I wish there was a way to induce it. What I would do to be able to forget some of the people I’ve met, the things I’ve done, and the feelings I’ve felt. I had hoped that by ridding myself of all physical manifestation of an event or time period I’d also rid myself of the emotional baggage. Life doesn’t work like that though. It’s up to you to learn what you need to from an experience and then leave it in the past where it belongs.

The universe has yet to create a reset button.

#amnesia #hurt #forgetting #heartbreak #pain #memory

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